He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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