You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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