i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
be right there i have to get my cape
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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