why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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