When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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