doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
