I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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