I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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