I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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