he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
