made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize