Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
