hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
