You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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