Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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