Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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