Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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