i love accidental penises.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
When did angry sex become our thing?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
