He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
