So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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