When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
