He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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