Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
