i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
This is the high leading the old right now
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
