1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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