I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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