farters have to be the big spoon...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
