Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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