why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
