just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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