what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
