its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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