she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Randomize
