If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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