So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
