how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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