i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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