cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
