sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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