Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
