I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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