i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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