Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I have already put on my inside pants.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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