Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
