it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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