You made me cry and you don't even care
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
