wrigley field is MILF paradise
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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