is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
