im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I think my vagina is haunted
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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