There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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