Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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