Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
