Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
