Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
