Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
